A hungry beggar walked up to a well-dressed plump woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said: "I haven't eaten anything for several days."

She replied (and almost as an envious prayer), "God, I wish I had your willpower."
>When I born, I black, when I grow up, I black, when I go in sun, I black, when I cold, I black, when I scared, I black, when I sick, I black, and when I die, I still black.
>You white folks.... when you born, you pink, when you grow up, you white, when you go in sun, you red, when you cold, you blue, when you scared, you yellow, when you sick, you green, when you bruised, you purple, and when you die, you gray.
>So who you callin' colored folk's ???

A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite. He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds; then it comes crashing back down. He tries this a few more times with no success.

All the while his wife is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything. She opens the window and yells to her husband, "You need more tail."  The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, "Make up your damn mind, woman. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite."

Note: in the Holy Bible, where such things are an "allegory"(Gal 4), the allegory for "woman" is church.... and the biblical theme at Godshew.org is: make up your damn mind "woman": pick one only of law or grace, for both is an oxymoron (mix of contrary things), only for morons; and good + evil (grace + law) ends as bad as life + death, evidently (from evidence) a dead end.
>I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

Worried because they hadn`t heard anything for days from the widow in the next-door flat, Mrs. Silver said to her son, "Shane, would you go next door and see how old Mrs. Goldberg is?"

A few minutes later Shane returned. "Well," asked Mrs. Silver, "is she all right?" "She`s fine, except now she's angry at you." "At me?" the woman exlaimed. "Whatever for?" She said, "It`s none of your business how old she is."

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WIFE VS HUSBAND

>A couple drove down a country road, not saying a word for several miles. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, neither wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, dogs, and sows, the husband asks sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
>"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

Joe was a successful lawyer, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his career and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across an old country doctor who solved the problem. "The good news is I can cure your headaches... The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need - a new suit."

He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure..." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see... 34 sleeve and... 16 and a half neck." Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure ..." The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see... 9-1/2... E."

Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about a new hat?" Without hesitating, Joe said, "Sure..." The salesman eyed Joe's head and said, "Let's see... 7-5/8."

Joe was incredulous, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!"

Of course the hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure..." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see...size 36." Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. It will press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
>A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle.
>A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife? He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooooooooooo much cheaper.
>So, I figure if I have to roll my own ... so does she.

A man talks to God

When Ole moved up north he discovered he was the only Lutheran in this little town of all Catholics. That was okay, but the neighbours had a problem with his barbecuing venison every Friday. Since they couldn't eat meat on Friday, the tempting aroma was getting the best of them. Hoping they could do something to stop this, they got together and went over to talk to Ole, eventually persuading him to join their church.

The big day came and the priest had Ole kneel. He put his hand on Ole's head and said, "Ole you were born a Lutheran, you were raised a Lutheran, and now "he said as he sprinkled some incense over Ole's head, "now you are a Catholic! 

Ole was happy and neighbours were happy. But the following Friday evening at suppertime, there was again the aroma of grilled venison steaks coming from Ole's yard. The neighbours went to talk to him about this and as they approached the fence, they heard Ole saying: " you were born a whitetail, you were raised a whitetail, and now," he said as he sprinkled seasoning salt over the choice tenderloin cut,  "now you are a walleye!"